Outstanding commentary. I'll be honest, when this subject comes up among my friends, I always point out that the indigenous people who were on this continent before "the pilgrims" honored the homosexual members of their community. As did many cultures prior to the emergence of "christianity". Homophobia is a religious construct that actually has its roots in the drafting of the King James "version" of the bible. Before the various religious texts were translated to English and compiled into the various "versions", there was not widespread hatred of homosexuality. As students of religious texts point out, Jesus never spoke of homosexuality.
Very true, I think that there's a reinforcement in the churches now that aren't willing to recognize how much they've changed. It'll take a long time for that to shift I think.
Well shuck my shorts!! I thought you were just a big WHORE! Who knew that you were a big, thoughtful, INTELLECTUAL WHORE!! Thank you for articulating so many wonderful ideas that most of us have nibbled at—if not actually thought about, ourselves. I bow to your sexual AND intellectual prowess!
Girrrlll, this essay is beautifully written and so well-structured. Thank you!! My husband and I split our time between NYC and a small town in northwest CT, where we’re pretty active in the community. The town is predominantly straight, but we’ve seen more gay male couples arrive during COVID. People here are generally friendly and have been mostly welcoming. It’s taken years of consistent effort to break through some social boundaries, and it’s not always comfortable. When I start questioning if it’s worth it, I remind myself of the importance of visibility. Much of the fear associated with unconscious bias and homophobia comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding. Just showing up and being my authentic self is crucial.
It’s wild to think about how deeply ingrained religious and church doctrines contribute to that knee-jerk reaction you describe. What are your thoughts on a third contributing factor, which is more closely related to a secret physical attraction? According to Kinsey, we all exist on a sexual spectrum, and a large percentage of men have homosexual tendencies—whether they ever act on them or not. I think it’s close to 30%. There are some horny daddies up here who I don’t think are getting a lot of sex in their marriages, and they see gay men as having big, crazy, sexually free lives. Depending on all the other factors you mentioned, perhaps this is another thing driving that homophobic reaction.
You flatter me and thank you so much. And I agree that there's a real need to build bridges. What didn't make it into the essay was how I believe there was certainly a place for a more pragmatic heternormative gay expression through the 90's and 2000's, but that that was more so an aspect (legitimately real for sure) that was emphasized to build those bridges we needed. At this juncture, I think while we need to still be conciliatory to swaths of people that weren't engaged with, we also need to recognize that only a holistic understanding of ourselves will let us keep moving forward. There are the gays that always want monogamy and will play that part, but there's also a lot of us that are taking pitstops on the way or who that simply doesn't cover. From this point, embracing the whole of our experience is not only more authentic, but also I'd argue more powerful.
And I think you have a point with the percentage. I mean, if you look at Gen Z, you now have almost 10% of guys identifying as gay/bi. The removal of the social stigma is having its effect and I think in my life I'll prob be able to see what the "natural" rate of gay/bi men really is when stigma has been reduced to a minimum. And in part, that I think will diminish the potency of social conservatism and traditionalism to the impotency it should be. I also don't think you're wrong about the kind of jealousy aspect. I think a lot of reaction comes from self-repression and the resentment that bubbles up from it.
Thank you for your exceptional words. As a 40yr old gay man (married with a kid), the desire I have had to serve as a bridge to those who hate us (a "model gay" to bring understanding to those who wish us harm) has completely eroded away. All that is left is something much less constructive; alienating.
In the face of bigotry against us, I no longer have the energy nor interest to educate nor to be productive. I too wish to see the other side slip into annihilation.
Given this - I'm grateful I'm no longer needed on the front lines of this fight. You and your generation are more energetic and intelligent about curbing this injustice than I ever was.
Thank you again for your contributions to our community - it gives me hope that better years may still lay ahead.
I can definitely understand that. Especially how things have been the last couple years, I think there's ultimately a need for a new way of engaging with those in opposition to us. On the one hand, I always try to be conciliatory as possible to those that I see openness from if ignorant. On the other hand, I think a level of desolation is needed for those that there's no moving. But, rather than fighting them directly, I kind of see this blog and my work as a project to undermine them. The more information & education available for gay/bi men on their sexuality, the more we become resistant to being dismissed, alienated, and disconnected from what makes us different and who we are.
I'd argue that it's less about procreation and desire and revulsion, and more that queerness (and liberation in general) and broader definitions of family (very narrowly) changes the way wealth concentrates, and more broadly that any non-compliance with the nuclear family, with gender norms, etc. and makes it clear that _anyone_ could potentially reject the social order, which would reduce the power and privilege of those who have power and privilege.
While I think some revolution of gay sex (medical transition, trans bodies etc.) exists, and is used to evangelize homophobia/transphobia more broadly, at root, the real propagation has nothing to do with morality, or christianity, and everything to do with money and power and mandatory compliance with the social order.
Anyway, I think the difference in theoretical model is really mechanical and I think it rounds up to the same conclusion: they're always going to hate us and censoring our lives and practices serves doesn't protect us or prevent hate/fear, but strengthen the power of the established social order.
Hi Darian! Just subscribed recently am really enjoying everything you are posting! This post in particular is so real. External validation for consensual practices is not needed at all! As long as sex is done in a consensual and safe manner, who cares?! There'll always be people who don't like it but they're not the people who deserve our attention.
Also, as an English Lit graduate, your writing is genuinely so incredible! You convey everything so well and so clearly! You're awesome :)
If the straights can talk about all the times they tried to get pregnant why can't I talk about the hot men that bred my hole Sharon!
Right? We have our own deal going on here haha
Outstanding commentary. I'll be honest, when this subject comes up among my friends, I always point out that the indigenous people who were on this continent before "the pilgrims" honored the homosexual members of their community. As did many cultures prior to the emergence of "christianity". Homophobia is a religious construct that actually has its roots in the drafting of the King James "version" of the bible. Before the various religious texts were translated to English and compiled into the various "versions", there was not widespread hatred of homosexuality. As students of religious texts point out, Jesus never spoke of homosexuality.
Very true, I think that there's a reinforcement in the churches now that aren't willing to recognize how much they've changed. It'll take a long time for that to shift I think.
Well shuck my shorts!! I thought you were just a big WHORE! Who knew that you were a big, thoughtful, INTELLECTUAL WHORE!! Thank you for articulating so many wonderful ideas that most of us have nibbled at—if not actually thought about, ourselves. I bow to your sexual AND intellectual prowess!
Aww that's really sweet haha. Alas, the duality of man here lol. And I truly appreciate it so much <3
Fuck the haters, we love you <3
Thank you babes, it's much appreciated. :3
Girrrlll, this essay is beautifully written and so well-structured. Thank you!! My husband and I split our time between NYC and a small town in northwest CT, where we’re pretty active in the community. The town is predominantly straight, but we’ve seen more gay male couples arrive during COVID. People here are generally friendly and have been mostly welcoming. It’s taken years of consistent effort to break through some social boundaries, and it’s not always comfortable. When I start questioning if it’s worth it, I remind myself of the importance of visibility. Much of the fear associated with unconscious bias and homophobia comes from ignorance and a lack of understanding. Just showing up and being my authentic self is crucial.
It’s wild to think about how deeply ingrained religious and church doctrines contribute to that knee-jerk reaction you describe. What are your thoughts on a third contributing factor, which is more closely related to a secret physical attraction? According to Kinsey, we all exist on a sexual spectrum, and a large percentage of men have homosexual tendencies—whether they ever act on them or not. I think it’s close to 30%. There are some horny daddies up here who I don’t think are getting a lot of sex in their marriages, and they see gay men as having big, crazy, sexually free lives. Depending on all the other factors you mentioned, perhaps this is another thing driving that homophobic reaction.
You flatter me and thank you so much. And I agree that there's a real need to build bridges. What didn't make it into the essay was how I believe there was certainly a place for a more pragmatic heternormative gay expression through the 90's and 2000's, but that that was more so an aspect (legitimately real for sure) that was emphasized to build those bridges we needed. At this juncture, I think while we need to still be conciliatory to swaths of people that weren't engaged with, we also need to recognize that only a holistic understanding of ourselves will let us keep moving forward. There are the gays that always want monogamy and will play that part, but there's also a lot of us that are taking pitstops on the way or who that simply doesn't cover. From this point, embracing the whole of our experience is not only more authentic, but also I'd argue more powerful.
And I think you have a point with the percentage. I mean, if you look at Gen Z, you now have almost 10% of guys identifying as gay/bi. The removal of the social stigma is having its effect and I think in my life I'll prob be able to see what the "natural" rate of gay/bi men really is when stigma has been reduced to a minimum. And in part, that I think will diminish the potency of social conservatism and traditionalism to the impotency it should be. I also don't think you're wrong about the kind of jealousy aspect. I think a lot of reaction comes from self-repression and the resentment that bubbles up from it.
Thank you for your exceptional words. As a 40yr old gay man (married with a kid), the desire I have had to serve as a bridge to those who hate us (a "model gay" to bring understanding to those who wish us harm) has completely eroded away. All that is left is something much less constructive; alienating.
In the face of bigotry against us, I no longer have the energy nor interest to educate nor to be productive. I too wish to see the other side slip into annihilation.
Given this - I'm grateful I'm no longer needed on the front lines of this fight. You and your generation are more energetic and intelligent about curbing this injustice than I ever was.
Thank you again for your contributions to our community - it gives me hope that better years may still lay ahead.
I can definitely understand that. Especially how things have been the last couple years, I think there's ultimately a need for a new way of engaging with those in opposition to us. On the one hand, I always try to be conciliatory as possible to those that I see openness from if ignorant. On the other hand, I think a level of desolation is needed for those that there's no moving. But, rather than fighting them directly, I kind of see this blog and my work as a project to undermine them. The more information & education available for gay/bi men on their sexuality, the more we become resistant to being dismissed, alienated, and disconnected from what makes us different and who we are.
And I'm here for every minute - I hope to be supportive as I can ❤️
And I'm here for every minute - I hope to be supportive as I can ❤️
I'd argue that it's less about procreation and desire and revulsion, and more that queerness (and liberation in general) and broader definitions of family (very narrowly) changes the way wealth concentrates, and more broadly that any non-compliance with the nuclear family, with gender norms, etc. and makes it clear that _anyone_ could potentially reject the social order, which would reduce the power and privilege of those who have power and privilege.
While I think some revolution of gay sex (medical transition, trans bodies etc.) exists, and is used to evangelize homophobia/transphobia more broadly, at root, the real propagation has nothing to do with morality, or christianity, and everything to do with money and power and mandatory compliance with the social order.
Anyway, I think the difference in theoretical model is really mechanical and I think it rounds up to the same conclusion: they're always going to hate us and censoring our lives and practices serves doesn't protect us or prevent hate/fear, but strengthen the power of the established social order.
Hi Darian! Just subscribed recently am really enjoying everything you are posting! This post in particular is so real. External validation for consensual practices is not needed at all! As long as sex is done in a consensual and safe manner, who cares?! There'll always be people who don't like it but they're not the people who deserve our attention.
Also, as an English Lit graduate, your writing is genuinely so incredible! You convey everything so well and so clearly! You're awesome :)