He Said He Wanted a Wife and Kids... Then Bottomed For Me

Dealing with guys that are uncertain, questioning, and in the closet

In life, we all have cognitive dissonances that striate the way we think, no matter how consistent and logical we think we are.  For some, it’s smoking cigarettes while being a health nut and a gym rat.  Maybe it's saying you’re a fan of film and television and liking Tina Fey.  Or perhaps it's being queer and voting Republican.  Especially as gay/bi/pan men, I think that we tend to live with these dissonances more than others.  The closet enforces a kind of split consciousness as well as a double life, and the longer we have to switch between the different masks, the more we come to accept that there are some contradictions that aren’t going to dissolve in ourselves. 

One of the most clear examples of this cognitive dissonance I’ve seen was a guy I topped a couple times in college.  He was a skaterbro that looked like Kurt Cobain with his shaggy blond hair under a beanie, a thin and lanky frame, and the prettiest blue eyes you’d ever seen.  Other than the slight soul patch he was hell bent on keeping (the bad influence of growing up in a hippie town), he was a dream boat. 

We met while I was perusing Grindr the fall of my senior year in college and during a bit of hoe-phase after my first relationship ended.  Things moved quick, and without much discussion of really anything other than smoking together, we were over at my apartment sharing a joint on my balcony.  He was pretty chill, raised in the city and had a big family with his parents being first gen immigrants.  He was a year or two younger than me but worked a restaurant job but still lived with his parents while doing classes at the community college. 

After we finished smoking he suggested we go back to my room.  We ended up lying on the bed and then slowly started to feel each other up, not tons of kissing but plenty of physicality and before I knew it we were both out of our clothes and going at each other's necks. 

Again, we’d not really discussed this, but after him giving me a bit of head and then rolling over and spreading himself, I got the message.  I ate him out, his ivory cheeks muscular from skateboarding.  Then I lubed him up, he got into missionary, I threw on the condom, and I slowly slid into him. 

To be honest, this wasn’t the kind of guy I’d planned on topping, if I had to bet I’d have thought I’d be the one getting opened up but here I was, balls deep in this incredibly cute guy that should’ve been leading a Nirvana cover band.  You really never know where you’ll end up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  It was a lot of fun and he was quite the moaner but in the most bro of ways.  He really loved getting his prostate stimulated because throughout he kept saying things like, “dude this just feels so good…” and “God it’s like a constant orgasm ughhhhh.”

Finally he came from jerking himself off and I nutted in the condom.  I fell back on the bed and he curled up next to me as we caught our breaths.  Before too long he was getting dressed and said we should do that again soon and he was off. 

We hooked up a couple more times after that, and in between me helping him get that “constant orgasm”, I did pry ever so slightly.  Was he gay or bi?  He didn’t think he was either, he very much wanted a wife and kids and thought it was his duty to his family.  Why was he wanting to be a bottom?  Because he didn’t have a girlfriend at the time and he’d wound up bottoming for a buddy of his at some point (apparently consistently) but that buddy had moved to another state a couple months earlier.  What was he going to do when he got a wife?  Ok, I’m not sure this one actually came up directly but I guess pegging would’ve been the solution?  Maybe. 

Suffice it to say, this was a curious situation for me, but when it comes to guys and the processing of where they’re actually at with their queer discernment, it’s key to not be pressing too hard about it.  As long as they’re not in immediate danger, they’re gonna have to figure it out on their own.  

The last time we hooked up I had picked him up from his family’s place in the evening.  He suggested we just cruise and hang out, which we did.  Until we found a nice little spot by the river off the road I was driving.  

From there, we hopped into the back seat and our pants came off.  I slicked him up with some spit then lube, threw on a condom, and resumed my position as the male prostate massager (not a bad resume highlight if we’re being real).  We popped open the back seat door and with his legs on my shoulders as I slowly worked him open.  Again, he was all purrs and a few whimpers when I bottomed him out on my dick every once in a while.  Another ten or so minutes and he was cumming on my back seat and I filled the condom in him again.  Super straightforward, simple, and to be honest, exactly what we both needed. 

A month or so after I had to go home for a bit and by the time I got back, he had moved to Alabama but we still followed each other on Snapchat.  Apparently he had moved to where his previous prostate massager was at this point. A year or two later, I saw he was posting pride flag stories during July.  

Sometimes, it just takes time. 

Comments: 

When you’re dealing with guys that are in the closet/questioning, you have to understand that this is always sensitive territory.  Everyone is different in how they come to recognize and live their sexuality.  Some of us come to it way later than others, have far more familial and social obstacles to recognizing it, and individually we have different hurdles to cross accepting and taking on the identities that demarcate how we find ourselves sexually driven.  

This is why, if you’re someone who already has come to terms with your sexuality and embraces it, putting expectations on someone who has not done so is dangerous for you and them.  It's not uncommon that guys experiment, whether they see it that way or not, well before they take on an identity.  It can also take a while after they’ve started experimenting for the dissonance between what they do, and what they want, to finally resolve into a healthy and self-respecting understanding of their sexuality.  And let's be honest, as tragic as it is, there are some who never really will.  We have to hope and pray for them. 

That being the case, expecting a romantic relationship with someone who’s still up in the air is going to be your first thing to try and avoid.  There are definitely gay/bi couples who are in loving relationships where one was questioning beforehand, but on the other hand almost every gay man has a story of a DL man that ended in heartbreak for them.  It is far safer and smarter to bet that you are NOT the exception to the rule. 

At the same time, if you feel like you’re someone who is up to help someone explore and enjoy their sexuality that they’re not fully at peace with yet, that can be fun.  However, again, you have to tread lightly.  When it comes to people who have senses of selves, families, or positions that keep them from recognizing that maybe they’re gay/bi despite what they’re doing sexually, you’ve gotta realize they have something to lose.  You also have to recognize that, despite your best efforts, they may not treat you well or how you deserve if you go the extra mile for them.  That’s just how it is and you have to be able to enjoy it for what it is and simply that. 

I was in a particularly good place to hang out with the skaterbro because after my first relationship ended, I was not ready for anything serious and it was clear from the start neither was he.  Not everyone can treat sex like that, AND THAT’S OK!  Being part of someone’s experimental phase is always a little objectifying.  They’re not fully recognizing you as just another gay/bi man like themselves, they’re seeing you as someone that’s helping THEM figure out a desire they’re uncertain or unclear of in themselves.  That isn’t necessarily bad, but it does mean that you’ve gotta understand you’re part of an experience that may be way more than just you for them, and that experience may mean you are really just playing a minor role in what their sexuality is going to end up being for them. 

Lastly, DO NOT take this story to think that I’ve been unscathed from this kind of situation.  To be blatantly honest, I thought I’d avoided the DL heartbreak phenomenon but, without going into details which I’m just not ready to write about, last year proved I wasn’t.  Sometimes when a guy feels safe enough to actually experiment or try to figure things out, he’s going to say and do things that make you feel like you’re safe to expect more.  He’s going to feel free to treat you and what you’re both doing, as really significant.  And then, when the situation/circumstance that let him feel free to do so is over, you’ll find out that his words were contingent on that.  That doesn’t mean he didn’t lead you on or you don't have the right to be upset.  You do.  And you also need to be kind to yourself for believing that maybe things were going to be different.  The fact is, it wasn’t you, it was him.  And the only person that can change him is him. 

Notes: 

• The discretion of fooling around is going to be dependent on the guy that’s questioning, so if you’re hooking up with him, be aware a lot of it's gonna be on his terms (time/place/how).  At the same time, set YOUR boundaries and don’t let him puppy-dog eye you into breaking them.  You can’t depend on him to have your back when he’s not even sure what he wants. 

• Your sexual health is going to be your job.  Do not expect that he is getting tested or is on PreP or isn’t hooking up with other people.  Use protection to keep yourself safe. That means condoms, PreP, DoxyPep, etc. 

• Do not isolate yourself from your network to protect his secret.  If you aren’t able to tell people you trust about what’s going on (while making sure they’re responsible within reasonable bounds of his privacy) that’s a bad sign and you could be putting yourself in danger.  If you’re fooling around with someone who ends up being a bad person you can’t let them put you in a compromising situation that leaves you without your own people. 

• If you approach it as casual and take the proper precautions, it can in fact be fun if you’re up for it. 

- Darian Black

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