Before You Hookup

Being horny will drive you to some… interesting situations.

Hooking up is as much a part of gay culture as drag, bottomless mimosas during brunch, or intracommunity wars over the best pop divas.  While plenty of guys lambast gay hookup culture, the fact is it's been with us since before stable boys were shagging one another and it's unlikely to go out of fashion in our community anytime soon. If we want to be honest about hookups, they can be some of the worst experiences we ever have or some of the best that we’ll recall fondly well into our old age.  

Now casual sex comes in various shapes and sizes in our community, but I want to talk specifically about hookups here. To narrow it down, by hookups, I mean casual sexual encounters that are planned through hookup/dating apps (Grindr, Sniffies, Tindr etc) with someone you’ve never been with before, or a partner that you have had sex with before but it’s a straightforward sexual relationship i.e. the sneaky link. 

One of my early hookups was near the end of my senior year in highschool.  I’d been on Grindr off and on but really didn’t use it much.  But one night I was particularly horny after getting back from the gym.  So I hopped on the app and started looking around.  Being from a small southern town, the pickings were quite slim.  After finding and chatting with one of the more attractive looking guys within a 20 mile radius we decided to meetup.  Unfortunately, neither of us could host since he was back from college with his parents and I was still living with mine.  This meant we were left with our cars. 

Now, I’d never done anything like this before.  I’d hooked up a couple times since I’d lost my virginity to the football player, but that’d been when I went up to see friends at college.  Those guys had dorm rooms.  We’d talked for a while beforehand. We had a plan.  But this time around, I was about to hookup with some rando in the backseat of my car outside a grocery store at 9 pm while it was pouring rain.  Being horny will drive you to some… interesting situations. 

So I swung over to the parking lot, parked next to his car, and he hopped into my back seat.  Unfortunately, his pictures were a little aged but he was definitely in college. We chatted for a minute and he asked if I wanted to bottom.  I had not prepared to do that so, with a groan, he offered to bottom for me.  With that, he started giving me head and I started playing with his hole. After a bit, he swung around, I threw on a condom and lubed us both up.  The fucking didn’t go longer than 8 or 10 mins before I came and he jerked off while I was still inside him. 

Overall, that time was middling at best.  And to be frank, sometimes that’s just the case.  This is why hooking up is not for everyone, and if it’s not your vibe, don’t do it once you know it.  Don’t feel pressured to hookup with randos if you don’t feel comfortable with it.  We’re all different and it’s totally fine to not be into casual sex.  However, if you are into hooking up, here are some things to think about before you do so. 

Hygiene

Before you hookup, you need to make sure you’re being as hygienic as possible.  This means make sure your nails are clean and trimmed.  You should have bathed recently if not immediately before and you need to be honest with yourself about your body odor.  For the love of god, throw on some deodorant if that’s a possible issue that’ll come up.  Now the post-gym hookup is a particular circumstance but you should not wreak when you’re going to do the deed with someone.

When it comes to your oral hygiene, brushing your teeth immediately before or after hooking up with someone isn’t the healthiest thing to do.  The reason is the tooth brush can create micro-abrasions that’ll make you more susceptible to infections, especially if you’re going to be giving oral or rimming.  With that being the case, you should already be brushing twice a day anyways, so break out the mouthwash and some gum if necessary.  No one is into rank breath when they’re getting railed or topping you in missionary. 

Lastly, when it comes to douching and cleaning out, both tops and bottoms need to be reasonable here.  Bottoms do a lot of work and are hyper conscious about being clean for their tops so if an accident happens, tops need to not freak out.  Have towels readily available for cleanup.  At the same time, bottoms also need to know that if things aren’t clearing up in the process, you gotta know when to call it off.  There’s nothing wrong with canceling when there’s a legitimate issue here.  

Logistics

While we all joke or harangue the language on the apps, “Host or Travel?” “Top or bottom?” “Into?”, they do underline an important part of casual sex: logistics.  Before you go hooking up with someone, you need to know who’s going where and what the plan is when you get there.  This stuff is really important to hammer out beforehand so there are fewer surprises or breakdowns in communication.  

Once you have a time frame set to meet, you need to work backwards with your timing.  How long will it take to get to that side of town?  What’s a fair estimate of how long it’ll take to clean out? How much will it take to shower after? Etc.  You need to be conscientious with your time and your hookup’s time or it’s going to just be frustrating. 

This ALSO means you need to be thinking about your hookup attire.  When you know fucking is the primary goal, your clothing should be as easily shedable as possible. 

For shirts: T-shirt or a tank top

For pants: Shorts or sweatpants 

For shoes: Tennis shoes, flip flops, or slip ons

(FYI, all of these are of course contingent on weather conditions)

The reason for this is because the more time and complication involved in undressing and redressing, the more awkwardness and lag time can come up in between making out and then hitting the other bases.  Also, if you need to dip out of there for any reason, you can throw it all back on quickly. 

Safety

When it comes to hooking up, safety matters on two fronts, your sexual health as well as your physical safety from harm. 

You can check out my previous post here on your sexual health.  I personally think every guy having sex with guys should be on Prep unless they have underlying conditions that prevent that.  Of course, that’s not going to be preventing other STI’s & STD’s so condoms and DoxyPep should be under consideration too.  At the end of the day, you need to take your sexual health into your own hands and use the methods that give you peace of mind and keep you safe. Also, don’t get pressured to do anything risky that you’re not comfortable with.  Anyone that’s not respecting your boundaries and doing this isn’t worth your time

When it comes to staying physically safe, I can’t recommend enough having a friend that you send your location to when you’re linking up.  This may not be doable given your situation, but having a friend that knows where you are when you're slutting out means you have someone who can get involved if something bad happens.  Over the years, my best friend has received many random texts at all hours of the night with random addresses and to be concerned if I haven’t updated him after so many hours.  

Also, if someone you’re hooking up with gives you unsafe vibes, get out.  Sure, be cordial, but you are not required to stay around someone or somewhere that makes you feel unsafe.  If the vibes check isn’t checking, excuse yourself however you can, and get to where you’re safe. Don’t let anyone make you feel trapped or try to coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do. 

Conclusion

If you’re into hooking up, it can certainly be a fun time.  But the more careless you are going into it, the more room there is for it to go wrong in a variety of ways.  Being thoughtful and thinking ahead can help minimize the issues you run into and give you peace of mind.  The better you are in approaching it this way, the more relaxed you can be while you’re getting railed or piping down the cuties. 

- Darian Black

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